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Your Arms Too Short To Box With God

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[16 Mar 2011|11:55pm]
Ever wonder what the best version of yourself is like?

What about the worst?
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[30 Nov 2010|12:25pm]
I haven't updated in a while. That was on purpose.

I might not update a while after this. That will also be on purpose.

But I wanted to jot something down about Sunday, and I can't really do it on Facebook, because people I don't particularly care about are on Facebook.

I met my father on Sunday.

It was a big deal.

I think I am still recovering.

But it feels good just to write that down, even if, you know, I am not actually "writing" anything "down."

So there's that.
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[19 May 2010|05:35am]
I want to write this down, in case, for some reason, I come back to this in the future and have forgotten all about The OC.

I hate Oliver Trask.
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[11 Feb 2010|06:32am]
my right ear, that is what is giving me trouble this morning.
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[24 Oct 2009|01:38am]
You know, sometimes I am tired of who I am.

Not in like a grand, life-changing sense; just that there are minutes, hours, days when it seems as though I understand that I am what I am, and I'm not sure that thought excites me.

It's like, man, fuck it.

Let's go bowling.
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[12 Jul 2009|04:05am]
It has been a very interesting couple of weeks.

That is not true.

Rather, it has been very interesting dealing with friends leaving. One of the people I grew really close to at the paper left for his home state last weekend. I tried to make it a point to show up to each of the four or five "going away" parties that were thrown in his honor. It was not a pretty sight when he left, and I guess that is OK.

I have talked with a couple people about this, and that's OK too. I think I am holding on to it for no apparent reason. That and I am wicked fucking tired. But my point still stands.

I spent most of Saturday evening in Tampa/St. Pete/Tarpon Springs hanging out with another friend from the paper. He will be leaving the country soon to go abroad, and he may go to Europe after his time in South Korea. It was sad to see him off as well.

I am really frustrated that they are gone.
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[05 Jul 2009|11:18pm]
I have been having some rather exquisite intermittent pain in my right testicle area.

You now have more information than you really ever wanted.

Also, old Mike Tyson fights are really, really fun to watch.
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[28 Jun 2009|10:43pm]
I have a computer and a television, which means I now have the opportunity to rarely leave the room. This is fantastic.

I think I have drinking problem. Or, rather, I have a drinking too much problem. Murphy is leaving, that is my excuse. When he's gone, it will be different. I promise. Or not.

There is a potential internship opportunity down south in the fall. I do not know what the likelihood that I get it is, but it might be better than zero.

I have a real blog over on wordpress. It is a pain in my ass to update, because I feel like I have to put a shit-ton of research into it. It is frustrating.

I am watching Veronica Mars again, because that show is awesome.

It is almost July. And that is awesome.
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[17 May 2009|01:41pm]
i kind of feel as though I am falling apart.
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[28 Jan 2009|03:19am]
I am not in the right frame of mind. Probably.

Not that I require constant approval, but it would be nice for someone, just once, to let me know that what I am doing now is good. Because I know its good. I have been going beyond my job. We have had good content.

No one, not even journalists, notice.

What's the point?
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[17 Jan 2009|10:10pm]
I will watch whatever movie is on late-night television. This includes, but is not limited to, movies on the following channels: USA, TNT, TBS, Lifetime, WE and Soap TV.

Sometimes there are decent things on Channel 16. Maybe it is 18; I don't know.

By the way, no one else at work shares my disdain for semicolons. They are completely unnecessary. Either use a comma and a conjunction or just use a fucking period. It's not that hard.

Also, exclamation points are fucking worthless. When I was in Nebraska, some dude from the Denver Post said that journalists get five exclamation points in their careers. I agree with that. Fuck those things.

I am covering the UCA Cheerleading National Championship tomorrow at Disney's Wide World of Sports. I am pretty excited about this, because it will be something different, and it should be relatively quick and easy. There is a block party for all the cheerleaders later that night, but someone told me I am not allowed to go to it. That is somewhat frustrating, although it is not as though I can compete with male cheerleaders. They are fucking fit.

In what is really not a surprise, I have been sleeping less. This happens all the time, and is not really newsworthy, although I have been going to class and doing most of my work, which is something new.

Ideally, I will graduate and have the opportunity to move. The Midwest would be nice, but unrealistic and probably just overall depressing. I think a more realistic scenario is staying instate, simply because that is where most of my contacts are. By the time I am 30, which is quickly approaching, I would like to not be in Florida. That seems plausible and almost likely. I am good enough at what I do to be able to move on from places, and my writing has progressed to the point where it is not awful, which is another notch in my belt, or something. One more thing to focus on would be some technical knowledge, such as Dreamweaver, HTML, Photoshop and InDesign. I am sparsely skilled in all of those areas and ignorant in most of them.

I don't think there is much going other than work and school, which is not surprising. I would say that I am writing more, but I only have two entries in my (physical) journal since the start of the year. I have been writing a lot, but nearly all of it has been for the paper. I have been getting good responses for how the section looks so far this semester, but I do not know if they are actually complements or they are just glad that I am not EIC anymore. I am willing to be that a fair share of it is the latter.

I had pretty awesome birthday, although there were some people who weren't there that I would have loved see. But everyone who showed up was awesome, save for the people who brought people who were not invited. That was bothersome. Fuck those guys. Everyone loves my mother and Kevin, which is not surprising, because she is generally awesome and he can be cool, I guess.

I have been thinking a lot about my existence, at least within the reality I currently am, if that makes sense. Mostly I have thought about what people around me actually mean, what my actions mean and whom they affect, and how I am living my life. I do not know if I ever being sincere, but I do not know if that is a problem. It's not as though I lie often, because I don't, but I just don't really care enough about some people around me to not be sarcastic all the time. I do not know what that means. On any given day, I have fewer than two non-sports related interactions in which I think I am not being a dick. I don't know if most people deserve, but I am not sure that matters.

There were a lot of negatives in that paragraph. It was quite impressive.

I have had semi-constant (is that inherently a fallacy? probably) with Allison since I saw her during the holidays. I detailed that in the physical journal, which, I noticed, dates back to 2000 or 2001, I think. It is quite amazing to read some of the things I wrote, as well as some of the errors that still appear in my writing almost eight years later. Anyway, it has been a welcome respite to have some conversation with her, because it at the least somewhat validates the amount of time I spend thinking about her, and even sparse texts from her are a significant improvement on the interaction I have on a daily basis with some of the shitheads in this office and university.

Oh, I have a CD player in my car now, which is great, because now I can listen to music discs, save for the ones stuck in my old CD player in my trunk. There are good CDs in there that I want to listen to.

That is all I have, probably. I don't know. I need to get some sleep eventually, because now my head hurts.

I want some penicillin.
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[29 Dec 2008|02:01am]
I have been violently ill for the past several hours, which is not helped by being in the office. I do not know what the problem is.

That is probably not entirely true.

My mouth started killing me the other day, to the point where I couldn't sleep and couldn't sit down without being in pretty much awesome pain. I took some ibuprofen, and that really just didn't work. I was searching around for something stronger, to no avail. I could have sworn my sister had some painkillers left over from something or another, but I was wrong.

I went into my mother's bathroom, and she had some Oxycodone — or maybe it was Oxycontin, I don't know — so I took some. They were for my mother's surgery some months back, and I really needed something to just not feel like I was going to cry all the time. They worked.

I took several during the course of the day, and all I could think about as I took them was the T.V. show Intervention and how this really seemed like addict behavior. I guess I should have just told my mother about it, but I didn't.

Anyway, my mouth doesn't hurt anymore right now, but I went out to get a drink with a friend and watch the game. The friend bailed. I got about halfway into the first beer, and I then I went to the bathroom and vomited. Then I repeated the process about thirty minutes later. And the game sucked.

I am pretty sure you are not supposed to drink after taking those drugs, which should have been obvious to me, but it wasn't.

Now I am waiting to not feel like shit anymore, although I much prefer this feeling to the one of intense pain. I can see why people get addicted to shit like this.

I really need to sleep.

I think that is all.
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[11 Nov 2008|09:30pm]
I don't know when it happened, and for all I know it happened at the start of the semester, but I have lost this staff.

It's a lack of respect, but that is my fault anyway. You need to command respect, and I have just not done that so far. Unfortunately, I do not know what to do differently.

I had relatively high hopes for myself this semester in this job, and nearly none of them have panned out. We have sloppy, dated and somewhat uninteresting copy in most sections. There is active friction between at least two editors at any given time. Part of me realizes that this must happen at every institution, and that these trouble are not unique. But I thought I would be able to change them. I am not able, and it is frustrating to look back just three months and examine my expectations. They were attainable. But so far, in my term, the paper has nearly alienated the journalism department, our writing coach was fired, we have libeled an innocent-until-proven guilty man, we have had mediocre content with mediocre editing in some places, we have staff members that cannot show up to work on time or do their work in a timely manner and the only thing different from this semester to last semester — to all the other semesters that I have been working here — is that I am in charge.

Either their was some epic flaw in my designs for this paper, or there were significant flaws in my execution. I am more inclined to think it was the latter. I understand that management positions deal with the same issues with which I am dealing. I get that this is really no different, it is just frustrating to fail so completely.

I will not be returning to this job, although I will apply for another position. Hopefully this performance does resonate too long with everyone.

This isn't for pity, really. At the very least, this helped me understand where my role is within journalism for the foreseeable future, at least until I become more assertive and an overall better manager. I am destined to know shit about copy and sports, and I guess that is all right.

Also, I think my friend from West Palm is coming up this weekend, and aside from the glory that is my mother's house, I need to show her fun things to do in Orlando, of which I believe there are very few. Anyway, I may end call several of you to hang out and create a crucial ambiance. Or maybe decor.

Beast mode.

God I wish more people who read this liked sports, because that previous statement would have been hilarious.
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i have the sound warfare [27 Oct 2008|02:27am]
I guess I haven't updated in a while.

It is either quite late or quite early, and I sitting in the office alternating between writing here and writing some football and basketball stuff. It is pretty boring, but I do get a kick out of researching this crap, so there's that.

I have been reading quite a bit of Detroit-area papers' Web sites — non sequitur, plural possessives totally suck — just to make sure I know what's up with Kevin Smith. Sometimes I do small things that make me feel like a real journalist again.

Drinking out a styrofoam cup sucks. A lot.

This has been a very interesting, slightly trying week/weekend. I have tried to put a significant amount of thought into things, but that has not proven to be as helpful as I would like. I am more disappointed than anything, simply because there are a whole mess of things I think I should be able to verbalize but am not. It's more frustrating than anything, really.

Also, Marty called Kevin "dad" the other day. It was hilarious.

The weather is becoming tolerable. The only problem is that I will not an excuse for when I sweat through my T-shirt.

I have a whole mess of things to go, but they can all wait until later in the week. Rather, they will wait until the end of the week, because that is when they will be accomplished.

Man.
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[03 Oct 2008|02:45am]
Blood money.

I am really close to being done. more so than normal.

I am about seven hours away from being kicked out of UCF. I owe them a shit ton of money.

I actively hate my job. The more I am around people, the more I can't stand them. At all.

Nicole called me all me at work. I told her I couldn't talk to her. I had a dream about her the other day. She showed up at work and we talked. Then we talked about her boyfriend. I even construct my dreams to be depressing.

I finally e-mailed Allison back; it took weeks to figure how I to do it. It didn't work. Now I have to explain myself.

I do not see this going well.

I spend every night trying to get as drunk as possible. It doesn't work. I wake up every morning at around 7 a.m. or 8 a.m. Everything is the same.

My sister is coming into to town tomorrow. She is spending every night with Peter instead of with our mother, mostly because she is quite selfish.

UCF plays SMU on Saturday. It will be the worst game ever.

I am going to leave the office now. Let's hope that the fucking dog doesn't snarl and bark and snap at me. I am going to set that piece of shit on fire. I'm not. He is just scared. He needs to shut the fuck up, though.

Goodnight.
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[07 Aug 2008|01:11am]
This office is depressing. Like, seriously, really fucking depressing. Journalists aren't really the most fun people to be around — hi! every single newsroom ever — but this is beyond my comprehension. People are packing up and getting ready to leave, and in about a week, nearly 40 percent of the staff will no longer work here. I, however, will still be here. I would be remiss to not mention that there is some animosity toward me. Not a lot, but there is some. I think some people don't like interns to begin with, and a situation like this doesn't really help.

Part of my problem is that I am quick to develop attachments — or at least pretend that I am quick to do so — so I kind of feel like everyone is leaving me, when a.) I know they're not and b.) we won't fucking remember each other in five months anyway. It's just really frustrating to be in a two consecutive situations wherein you develop semi-close relationships with people and then they are just gone. It's not really the most fun in the world.

Also, Allison and Edgar are moving to Chicago — or somewhere close to there, who knows — and there was some conversation regarding me seeing her before she leaves. Something to the point of calling her when I am in Orlando so that we can meet up.

First, I am extremely happy that she said that. I really am. I don't think of it as some grand gesture or anything, but it is slightly touching to know that after all this time of relative ambivalence, there is at the very least some inkling of friendship still left. Or something like that; I don't know.

But when I called Monday, when I was in Orlando, she did not answer. That is not surprising; there are about seven people who will answer my phone calls on a regular basis. However, to just not respond at all, even days later, really bothers me. One, it's just fucking rude. My mother used to say that we can most easily recognize the faults of others that are present in ourselves. That is partly the case here, as I am somewhat bad about staying in contact with people. But I think I can still feel OK about being upset about it. I don't require that people are nice to me, but at least be fucking decent. That's fine. I have gotten past the point in my life where I expect anything from anyone but the base level.

This is all hitting me not because this is relatively big deal. I know that things have progressed well for her. I'm not saying that things could be any way other than the way they are right now — that whole God thing is a bit of a fucking tipping point (that is used wrong, probably) — but there will always be part of me that really yearns for her. Whether that is because of the whole "wanting what you can't have" thing or because there is actual desire there, I'm not sure. I am not nearly self-aware enough to make that distinction. But what I do know is that there is a part of me that is fucking sad to see her go, because that means it's over. Not in a relationship sense, all aspects of that ended in February three years ago, but in a sort of acquaintance sense. She will move to Chicago — or wherever — with Edgar, and they will end up married and they will have their fucking gorgeous mixed-race babies, and they will end up going to church every Sunday, and 17 years from now, they will be settled down somewhere living their extremely satisfying, God-filled, Lord-serving lives as they get their kids ready for school. And really, that's fine, although I will say that I sound more than a little creepy right now. But really, what it all means, in a Padrick-centric way, is that it's done. Because there is no place for me in that existence, that's probably for the best. I don't think I know — right now — how to be around her and not want to kiss her. That is not important, because I don't think it matters. It doesn't have any meaning anymore, it's just me being stubborn.

But what does matter is that when she is gone, she is gone. That is depressing for me. And despite that she reached out first, her more recent actions, I think, are more indicative of the true feelings. Gone are the days when we held any sort of import with each other. It just bothers me that, combined with the whole internship scenario, people are leaving my life with no reason.

That's happened for a good deal of my life, but I've never been more aware of it than now.

Also, Brett Favre was traded, which means that my day tomorrow, or later today, will be filled with ready a shit-ton of copy about him.

I am fucking pumped.

/sarcasm.
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[09 Jun 2008|12:23pm]
I have no explanation for it, but I am not feeling well.

It could do with the severe lack of sleep. I have not really slept since Thursday night.

I guess it is too late to upset about this wedding, because, well, it was fucking Saturday. I had a pretty awesomely awkward conversation with Allison, made most people believe I actually cried during the ceremony, called Nicole and did not get a call back, drove to hang out with family and found out they were all asleep and then went back to the house and overslept and was late getting back to West Palm and then late for work.

Oh, and apparently my mother is now Mrs. Harris, which sort of makes me really upset. But whatever.

I need to shower.
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[31 May 2008|01:53am]
I just got back from Lincoln, Neb., at around midnight. The flights sucked, but that is to be expected when you use airplanes for travel.

Aside from the actual city, which might be worse than Orlando, I had a wonderful time. I walked everywhere, which is probably good for my general well being, and the people were great. One thing that sucks is that these residency things are setting people up for failure. I don't mean in the copy-editing way, because most of us are really good at that. I mean that it forces you to be around nine other people for about two weeks nonstop. There is a weird bond that everyone creates with each other, and despite how much fun and how close you think you can get, after its over, the likelihood of everyone staying in touch is minimal.

Obviously I want to try to maintain contact with a bunch of them. Mike was just about the most hilarious person I have ever met. Jonathan is a great guy whom I would like to be friends with. Sam would be the best drinking buddy ever. Lindsay is underrated as far as humor is concerned, and Tara may just be one of the prettier girls I've ever met. Not to mention that they are all fucking brilliant. It is beyond my comprehension how good they all are what I think is my strong suit. I was talking with my mother about it, and I realized that there is very little in this world that I think I am really good at. Copy editing is one of those things, and nearly everyone at this residency was as good as or better than I am.

And better by a lot. Tara is probably the smartest person I have ever met, and I have worked with four Dow Jones interns and J-$$$$, who was more instrumental to my growth in journalism than anyone else on the face of the planet.

And the sad part is that it is unlikely that I will see many of them ever again. Danny is going to the Miami Herald, which is about an hour or so away from where I will be. Tara will be in Naples, which is on the other side of the state, nearly three hours away.

Aside from them, there is a small chance I will be able to get the time off to go visit anyone else. It is disappointing, considering how much fun we all had together.

I don't know where I am going with all this. I need to get some sleep, because I leave for West Palm in about 36 hours or so. For 10 weeks. I will be living with a 45-year-old woman and her husband and two cats. It is a funny story. I am not going to tell it right now.

Party Saturday night for the wedding. Wedding is next week.

hurrah.
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[12 May 2008|12:40pm]
I am so sick that it probably isn't funny. I haven't felt like this is quite a long time, so that is somewhat fun.

I saw Redbelt, which I loved.

Party wednesday or thursday? let's do it. I am getting ready to leave, so everyone should hang out. or something.

I am going to go home and fall asleep watching Air Force One.

Get off my plane.
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[10 May 2008|05:14pm]
Steve has moved nearly all of his stuff out of the house, which means that I am now its sole inhabitant. Factor in that right now I have a box of crackers, some pepsi and mountain dew and havent slept in two days, I am going a little stir crazy. I also have no money. I mean, I have money, but I also leave in one week and will probably need funds when I get to Nebraska, because I don't really want to have to perform favors in cornhusker state. That would not end well.

I am cleaning out my desk at the office, which is slightly depressing. Although it is buffered by whatever rap music I can think of to listen to and all the old crap that I had forgotten was in this office.

My area is almost clean, which has only taken about three hours to do. I have missed the Magic game and will have to go home and watch it and hope all of it was recorded.

I should probably shower today.

Apparently my sister's boyfriend cheated on her. That sucks. That guy was worthless though.

Whatev', i am going to the bank and then getting some food.
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